Journeying Through Grief

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Last week I took part in a retreat that was described thusly:

Today you are invited to explore the dynamics of your grief journey through the lens of “narrative disruption”, seeing how your life-story has been changed through a loss you did not want.

This new to me way of thinking about my grief was like a punch in the gut, I cautiously went outside of my comfort zone and arranged to attend. It was hosted on 500 acres of land, including a tract of dense forest being restored, and I found myself in this area in the afternoon portion where we were encouraged to let the land heal us.

I was squatting on the soggy edge of the creek contemplating the discussions from the day when out of the corner of my eye I spotted a flash of movement which I quickly turned toward. Scanning what was before me, I didn’t immediately identify what pulled my attention. If they weren’t already my favourite bird I doubt I would have been able to pick it out from the background wash of forest and misty creek, but there was a great blue heron now standing completely still in the water, patiently awaiting what would come next. I then noticed the creek, the shape of the water between myself and the heron.  The main creek had, in the parlance of the day, been disrupted by a fallen tree. Accumulating around the fallen tree was other detritus and materials that were becoming tangled and obstructed and this interruption to the flow of the creek further impeded the water’s path. But this didn’t stop the water. The water level had risen, providing a haven for the heron. The water was given new opportunities and found a way forward. It took a new, unexpected path off to the side and was re-joining the creek downstream, past the disrupted area. It endured.

Photograph of an interrupted creek and water flowing around it finding a new path forward.

I continued on my way, thanking the heron for guiding me to that comparison, as I envisioned where the creek would meet the river ahead. Again though, I was caught unawares. My mind had determined that the river would be flowing to my left where the creek joined it, how or why I don’t know, it was just the way I saw it. When I got to the confluence, to my surprise the river was flowing to my right. The “wrong way”? No, not wrong, just unexpected. But this I realized was fine, it was not what I had imagined or foreseen it was going to be as I approached, but it was what it was and the greater reality of the direction of the stream was not something I could change, just by imagining it was different. And it didn’t matter in any way either. The river was speeding along as it had always done, with or with out me.

At this point, with the rain which had been falling the entire time, I was wet. And the river was plenty wet. And…so… I shed my footwear, rolled up my pants, and entered the water. It was cold, early in the spring with a hint of melted snow, but not uncomfortable. It was difficult to see where I was stepping as the soft silty bottom was stirred by my passing and plumes of darkness arose from the depths.  But I wasn’t in a rush, and I waited. Patiently like the heron. I watched the swirling silt, the unclear water, trying to see a pattern, searching for a reason.  I looked away for a moment, off in the distance, distracted by a bird call, and when my gaze returned: the water had cleared. I could see unobstructed to my feet. They were embraced by the river bed and my path forward, when taken slowly, was there for me.

Unmasking on Halloween

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Halloween used to be my favourite ‘holiday’. I understood it to be secular, so everyone could participate. A day where you could act silly, be weird, do unexpected and sometimes surprising things and it was all ‘ok’. Allowed. Accepted. Expected even. What a relief that was!

It was a relief, because on a day where so many people would be putting on a mask, I was taking mine off. I’m autistic, but for most of my life I “masked”, hiding myself behind socially acceptable appearances and behaviours, and it takes tremendous energy and effort to pull that off in a world unaccustomed to allowing neurodiverse people to be themselves.

Halloween now unsettles me. As I become more empowered to accept my differences as just that, differences, and not deficiencies or a disease, I get sad when I think that I only had one day a year where I could be tolerated being myself.

Over a decade ago I read a piece on how Halloween is an ‘inversion ritual’ allowing a sort of ‘social-pressure release valve’. To quote:

“During rituals of inversion, people can violate otherwise solid social codes. Less powerful people can break the rules, reverse the order of expected actions, flaunt otherwise unacceptable ways of dress or behavior or reverse the usual roles of parent-child, boss-worker, male-female.”

This had helped me think about why Halloween was such a strong day for me and gave me new insight. But to think that violating social codes is such an offense. To think that my behaviour, if I was myself in public, is acknowledged to be unacceptable no longer sits well with me.

I took a seminar this past summer where the message was stressed that everybody has the “right to be who they are, wherever they are” and I like that message. I repeated that message to myself a couple of weeks ago when I “stimmed” in public for the first time since I was a child.

In a crowded, noisy, bright, unaccommodating government office waiting to renew my identification documents, I had brought a novel along with me to distract myself. That novel happened to be “A Kind of Spark” by Elle McNicoll, a novel targeted to “middle schoolers” (so an unusual read being a middle ager myself) written by an actually autistic author featuring strong autistic characters making an appeal to be accepted in their small Scottish town, and as they say: “representation matters”. Having tears well up in my eyes from feeling the representation in the story, I put the book away. I couldn’t be seen to cry in public. I couldn’t be me when surrounded by others… but… but… I then took off my ‘mask’. I had gained the confidence to flap a little, and rock a little, and just allow my body to do what it needed to do (I did hold back from moaning to be honest) in order to reduce the stress I was experiencing from being in that harsh, unusual, space. Was I thinking about what others might think of me? Of course! That had been my default thinking for decades. In that moment I felt enabled enough to put those worries aside, and allow myself to be who I am, where I was, and not prioritize the comfort of everyone around me over my own comfort. I had to trust that either they’d ignore me, I wouldn’t be too obvious to raise alarm, or most hard for me to fathom: that they would accept me for me and allow me to be.

You’ll find plenty of posts online about how you can make Halloween a more accepting space for autistic children, how to help with their sensory processing issues etc on this non routine day, but I’ll posit that what we can all use on this day of inversion is instead more tolerance and acceptance every day of the year, so we don’t feel like we have to wear a mask, making ourselves perpetually uncomfortable, just so the neurotypical dominant culture doesn’t get “spooked” when we reveal ourselves to be in your midst year round.

If this sharing helps you, and you aren’t sure how to help yourself, I recommend you track down a neurodiversity affirming therapist to help you continue on your journey of self acceptance.

Happy Halloween.

Slow Down, Look Closer Photography Exhibition

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I have my very first solo photography exhibition running this month at the North York Central Library, 5120 Yonge St. entitled SLOW DOWN, LOOK CLOSER.  Please check it out if you’re in the area and see Willowdale from a “bee’s eye view”.

Details over at http://slowdownlookcloser.chrisnolan.ca/

Signs don’t equal Safety – Don’t support the All Way Stop at Ellerslie & Tamworth

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Sign, sign, everywhere a sign
Blockin’ out the scenery, breakin’ my mind
Do this, don’t do that, can’t you read the sign?

The lyrics of Signs by Five Man Electrical Band always pop into my head when someone starts talking signs for safety: be they  speed limit signs, stop signs, or shoes required signs.  I do not support signs, and the neighbourhood is currently petitioning to get some new stop signs installed down the street, to convert a two-way stop to an All-Way stop, so here is my argument against this instance.  As a “long haired freaky people“, it seems to be the minority view, but I think with a little bit of consideration and research, you may change your mind.

First off, we are not traffic engineers.  I don’t necessarily put faith in ‘experts’, but if you want to play the role of considering traffic flow, then consider traffic flow in the entire neighbourhood, not just at a single intersection.  Changing an intersection will have impacts many intersections away in a variety of ways.  What if your support for a change at this intersection, resulted in an accident nearby?  NIMBY is a slippery slope to go down.  All-way stops are put in place to assist with negotiating right of way, when the intersection has near-equal traffic in all directions.  This intersection as one of its four directions is a dead end, you can assume right off the bat that it will not have equal traffic in all directions.  Studies have also shown that drivers will increase their speed between intersections to make up for their ‘lost time’ of having stopped.  Whoops?

I don’t like pollution.  Asking the majority of motorists approaching this intersection to increase their emissions and noise produced are two forms of pollution I’d rather keep out of the neighbourhood, not to mention the increased fuel consumption compounding over the next few decades that the sign would be there.  Oil doesn’t grow on trees (anymore).  If this isn’t obvious, when you accelerate from a stop, you use a lot more fuel, your engine is louder doing so, and when you are idle at the stop, and when  you are accelerating there are many more emissions in the area.

Risk compensation is a theory which suggests that people typically adjust their behavior in response to the perceived level of risk, becoming more careful where they sense greater risk and less careful if they feel more protected.  Pedestrians and cyclists at the intersection could end up crossing in a more risky fashion, assuming the competition at the intersection will be stopping.   Shared Space in urban design pushes this edge considerably and I lean towards this when ever I discuss traffic signs and road conditions with people.

The attention this has gotten in the neighbourhood shouldn’t be ignored, but let’s not knee-jerk our support for the All-Way stop, but rather channel the concerns into  looking at the larger issue of how can we make our community a better one for people traveling with-in it, and through it, on a larger scale.

Please also consider how well you are perceiving the ‘danger’ here.  Risk Perception is a funny thing.

Some more traffic related links if you’d like:

LoveTheRavines Fall4Ravines photography exhibit at Patagonia

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LoveTheRavines has their Fall4Ravines photography exhibit on display at Patagonia Toronto (500 King St W) until the first week of December, and four of my photos are on display.   Please take a few minutes to consider signing their petition to add the Don and the Humber Rivers to the Ontario Greenbelt.

I wanted to give a shout out to the other photographers (in no particular order) who had their images selected.  I look forward to meeting you Dec 3 at the evening reception at Patagonia.

Nicole Czorny nczorny , Jacquelyn Sloane Siklos (ig: @sloanesiklos), Joanna Johnston (ig: @joannacjohnston),  Sammy T (ig: @sammytangir), Ashley Therriault (ig: @ashtario), @lisarobertsonpics, Jonathan Scott Duder (ig: @jonathanduder ), Jeff Coussin: aka The Life & Adventures of Lenny Dawg (ig: @luciditydesign), Gabriel Bizeau-Régis (ig: @atroutatemyhomework), Gary Wallenwein ig: @totemblaze, Dan Berman ig: @scriptdr.

Here is my collage of the images as arranged to match those hung and curated by Phil Anderson, Executive Director of Gallery 1313.  I had excepted image titles and instagram ids at the exhibit, but there wasn’t any when I checked it out Nov 15 (update: the Official Facebook album had captions/titles for the images so I updated below (only 17 of the pics are there though)).  I’ll included them as I searched around below.
Fall4Ravines Collage 1Fall4Ravines Collage 2

Fall4Ravines Collage 3

Collage 1, top left to bottom right are:

Collage 2, top left to bottom right:

And the final collage are three by sammytangir:

Here is a link to all the #Fall4Ravine tags on instagram via iconosquare.

Risk Obtuse and Danger Perception

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If you’re reading this, you’re in danger.

Look out!  Caution!  Beware!  DANGER! OMG YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!

Overwhelming, isn’t it.   Our minds and our bodies are great at filtering risk and processing danger — if we let it.  Most people raised in a modern urban environment have very little experience  with actual, immediate, personal danger.  They just don’t grok it.

David Ropeik in his HOW RISKY IS IT REALLY? book talks about a ‘Perception Gap’ to try to balance actual risk with what people are afraid of and tries to get to the underlying causes of those fears.  Maybe what is dangerous for you, isn’t dangerous for me and vice versa?

Jeffrey Rosenthal in STRUCK BY LIGHTENING: The Curious World of Probabilities tries to help people get a better grasp on statistics and appeals to the math behind actual risk to see if that will make sense to people.  If you run the numbers, how bad is it really?  Do you know you’re most likely putting yourself in danger daily which far far exceeds any perceived threat you’re worried about?

Richard Louv in LAST CHILD IN THE WOODS: Saving Our Children from Nature-Deficit Disorder devotes Part III of the book to “The Best of Intentions: Why Kids don’t play outside anymore” and gives many examples and descriptions of how parents have meant well, and inadvertently have done much more harm to their children.

Don’t be risk obtuse.  My advice?   Do something you feel is dangerous.  I didn’t say life-threatening, I don’t mean be careless, I want you to think about something you feel is dangerous, think about how you can mitigate the risk, and try it.  ‘Baby steps’ at first, but do some research and try to wrap re-define your baseline for danger.

There is a scene in the 2009 Australian film The Boys are Back that I often use as an example for people.  The movie stars Clive Owen as a widowed father trying to find his way raising his kids.  The scene in particular is when he hosts a kid’s birthday party and installs a high zipline for the kids to swing on and the mothers attending the party are agog.  “But what if he let go?!” one mum exclaims.  “That is why he is holding on so tight” replies Owen’s character.

“Better a broken bone, than a broken spirit” I’ve been fond of saying of late.

3rd Place – Flora in the SCB-Toronto Photo Contest

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A photo I took of a neighbour’s magnolia tree won 3rd place in the SCB-Toronto Photo Contest.

The Society for Conservation Biology (SCB) is an international professional organization dedicated to advancing the science and practice of conserving the Earth’s biological diversity. SCB has local chapters across the globe that provide opportunities for members to engage in conservation at the local level.

SCB-TO is one of these local chapters, we strive to build a network of active conservation biologists from the three local academic research universities – University of Toronto, York University and Ryerson University, as well as government, non-government and private agencies operating within the Greater Toronto Area. Our goal is to facilitate the discussion of and solutions to urban conservation biology issues that threaten the function of Toronto’s local ecosystems.

magnolia

Winning Magnolia Tree Photo

All the winning photos are being exhibited all week at Baka Gallery Cafe near Runnymede Subway Station in Bloor West area, and the award ceremony will take place Friday evening.

flora 3rd gift flora 3rdThanks to Sheridan Nurseries for my prize.

You can also view a version on Instagram.

NYCL Scratch Day Diary

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We’ve been looking forward to Scratch Day for a couple of months now, and am happy to say it went off wonderfully.Facepainted 7 Year Old ready to lead his first Scratch DayIt was five months ago today that we checked out No Starch Press’s SUPER SCRATCH PROGRAMMING ADVENTURE from the library, and it was this past Saturday that Xander revealed Scratchy to 15 more kids, ages 7 to 12, as the culmination of his hard work.

After we shared his Scratchy themed birthday cake (he turned 7 in January) with the Lifelong Kindergarten Group at MIT, I learned of ScratchEd (thanks @TwilightDreamWolf for the heads-up) and their role in helping to bring Scratch to more kids.  From their group, I learned of Scratch Day and looked into where we could go to meet other Scratchers in Toronto, only to find there wasn’t anything already organized.    Thinking about possibilities of organizing something to help foster his passion, I mentioned the idea to him and he said he’d love to teach kids to do it — which cinched it, this was going to happen if he was this keen about it.

There is an amazing technology vibe in Toronto, so I knew there would be many ways to go about the event.  Part of me wanted to see if people at UofT would want to be involved, to keep the university feel of Scratch, but I didn’t have any current contacts there to work.  Working the start-up vibe was another angle I considered, but was a bit wary of the sponsorship angles inherent with that culture.  When I was at an early Maker Series event at the Toronto Reference Library, in connection with their new Digital Innovation Hub, I saw they had the new version of the SUPER SCRATCH book in their collection (which isn’t available in the Library’s main collection). I inquired asked about the possibility of doing Scratch Day there, and they declined saying they didn’t have a kid friendly space.  This brought me to our local library, North York Central Library, which we have a good rapport with.

I introduced the idea to them, and they did some research to see if it might be a good fit.  We arranged to meet and Xander shared his enthusiasm for Scratch and we discussed some of the ideas for what the day could be.  We settled on a small introductory class for kids aged 8-12 accompanied by their parents as a trial run.  Coordination with the Learning Centre in the Teen Zone/Hub at the library, outside of the Children’s Department usual dealings and recruitment  within the Teen Department’s Youth Advisory Group to find volunteers to help mentor during the class was done.  Much thanks to Sharon Andic, and Kathryn Copeland for their work in preparing the program, and to Chantee, Charles, and Wendy for their work during the class helping the kids out.

We announced the class on a blog setup for the event at ScratchDayNYCL.tumblr.com and the library put it in their Spring Flyer of events.  Registration quickly filled up with positive comments from parents.  Xander practiced his instruction skills with a friend, going early to our Homeschool Group at the library for a few weeks.  We also arranged to tour the Learning Centre space to get a feeling of the room and what was available there and discuss the format and layout of the pairs.  Everything was set — I was more nervous than he was.

The biggest hurdle was going to get through introductions, as he was really struggling with that part in our practice session.  Kathryn agreed to introduce him which worked out great.

The class went very well.  We managed to squeeze in two extra groups who arrived morning of to see if anyone didn’t show-up.  Many smiles and much enthusiasm from the kids gathered (and a few handstands from the leader).  We made a NYCL Scratch Club Studio on the Scratch website to help encourage the kids to collaborate and build their skills together going forward.  We ran over our time estimates (of course) so we didn’t get to do the maze program he planned, and we didn’t get to show some of our ‘Connecting to the Physical World’ projects as we had hoped.  His response?  “We’ll just have to have another class.”

Naxder and his Dad leading Scratch DayNot only that, he came home and asked to start to write a book about Scratch, for his “55%”ers, those we know a bunch of scratch but want to do more advanced things.  When he started Scratch, he didn’t read and he learned so he could do more Scratch.  I guess it will also be his gateway to writing too!

A very proud Papa.

 

 

Homeschooler Catapult Exhibition, June 2014

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The kids & I thought it would be fun to revive the catapult exhibitions we attended a few years ago, when they were too little to build any themselves.  So, here we go:

Catapult Exhibition
June 11, 2014 11AM
Location: TBA green space near North York Centre
Participants: Children educated at home in and around the Greater Toronto Area
Comment here or send me a message (iam at this domain) and I’ll build a roster of participants

Catapults go by many names: ballistae, trebuchets, onagers, hsuan feng, mangonels, petraries, scorpions, tormenta, and others.  What we’re looking for here is a ballistic device used to launch a projectile a great distance without the aid of explosive devices.  Put your thinking caps on, get your tools out, work out the maths and angles, and build away.

We are thinking of setting up a system to measure the distance the objects are thrown, and also an accuracy/target course.  Two categories: kid made only, and then the models which the adults helped with.  Ammo wise, plan to use something similar to an orange — we’ll update this after we’ve had a chance to test a few things out.   Depending on numbers we will either give everyone a chance to talk about their build in front of the group, or a set time where spectators can go from build to build and ask questions about it.

Ideally the space we pick in addition to the missile range will have some playground equipment for families with younger siblings, area to picnic for lunch, and generally hang out to make a day of it for those so inclined.  I have a great spot in mind, I just want to test out the range of our builds to get a sense of how much space we’ll need before I settle on it.  Don’t want any windows broken or near by roadways interfered with.

catapult-DIY-easy-kid-actvity-marshmallowNot everyone is as handy with tools and building as they once were, so I hope to see some collaborations between different groups, maybe even some teaming up to share resources and expertise, or some grandparents pitching in.  It could be just the opportunity you’ve been looking for to try a maker project?  Alternatively you might want to start small and build a simple one out of craft sticks, or marshmallows.

Toronto Tool Library logoA place you might want to check out in the course of your project is the Toronto Tool Library, they have a variety of tools available, and at their East End location a makerspace.  Another makerspace in town that has woodworking capability is Site3 co-laboratory.  Let me know if you are aware of others.  Maybe we’ll see some 3D printed designs, in which case maybe check out the Digital Innovation Hub at the Toronto Reference Library?

A site we like is DIY.org, and they have a Catapult or Trebuchet challenge you can submit your project to, or review some of the devices other kids have made.

Some books we’ve found at the library that have designs and plans and ideas on how to get started are:

Toronto_Public_Library_logoSpeaking of the library, maybe you’ll join us at our Wednesday afternoon homeschooler group at North York Central library (1:30-3pm in the storyroom).  We plan to cover a few topics in the next couple of months applicable to catapults (levers & fulcrums for example is set for April 9th’s session for example).

Michael Albert's Pi collage

Happy Pi Day (3.14, March 14)

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We’ve been celebrating Pi (π) Day for half a decade or so now, but some of you may be new to the idea.  At the very least, it is an excuse to eat pie, and on the other end of the spectrum it is  a great day to celebrate math and the beauty of nature in numbers.

For those looking to eat pie, why not try to bake your own?  It could be sweet or savory.  Wikipedia has a list of pies to get you started, and AllRecipes has a lot of recipes on making pies available.  Perhaps you want to aim for a Steak & Kidney pie and combine two pseudo-holidays into one?

If you’re musical, there are many pi songs and raps out there you can try to learn.  My favourite is Dr. Arthur Benjamin‘s version of “American Pi”, captured here during a presentation he did at The Archimedeans (Cambridge University Mathematical Society).  We were lucky enough to participate in Dr. Benjamin’s show last year (thanks Ontario Science Centre) and the kids still sing his song (and we have a signed copy of his pi to 60 digits that he wrote out).   We will probably also watch at least one of his lectures from his Great Courses where he focuses on pi too.

There are many crafts and activities to do for those with kids.  Drawing and cutting out and measure circles with paper and string is all it takes to get started.   Don’t be shy about working in some physical activity too — maybe do a 3.14km hike?

A new discovery for me this year is the Pi Search Page which instantaneously finds a series of digits in the first 200 million digits of pi.  My 8 digit birthday occurs three times in those first 200 digits, while my wife’s only occurs once.  Try it out with any other ‘special’ numbers to you and see what you find.  Irrational.

In your pi studies, don’t forget what many mathies consider the epitome of numbers, Euler's Identity (e^π*i = -1) aka Euler’s Identity.

Numberphile has a great playlist for all their pi related videos (1h25m worth of content).  Last year the kids enjoyed watching Calculating Pi with Real Pies.  And let’s not forget ViHart’s pi playlist either.

And for the whimsical here is FlippyCat’s contribution to pi day in dominoes.

Please share how you ended up celebrating this special day, and get ready for next year when in 2015 3/14/15 will be the Longest Pi Day of our lives when it goes to 10 digits at 9:26:53am/pm.

Here are a few additional links to drive your research and insatiable curiosity.